


robot auspistices

by Radio Rascal (Vagrants)



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Other, [bangs pots and pans together] I DON'T KNOW WHAT CONTINUITY THIS IS!!, also i don't remember a whole lot about Homestuck or auspistices or anything, based on thoughts i had at 3 AM, god forgive me, i skimmed a wiki to make sure i had my details right, you don't have to have read Homestuck to understand this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 14:36:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17448890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vagrants/pseuds/Radio%20Rascal
Summary: Those two are always fighting, and one day Shockwave decides he's had enough. He's about to Logic™ some sons of glitches.





	robot auspistices

**Author's Note:**

> i thought about Homestuck for the first time in two years and for some reason ended up thinking "everyone probably thinks Megatron and Starscream would be kismeses but kismeses aren't supposed to be abusive or literally try to kill each other. they're actually the two fighty parts of an auspisticeship and need a third party." THEN i thought, "Shockwave would be an excellent auspistice because he would just use logic on them."
> 
> if i thought of it then all of you have to subjected to it too.

It started when they decided to argue in his lab. Shockwave didn’t care about their arguments or fights as long as it happened away from him and his business, but they were especially cantankerous this time, it seemed. When bots—any bots—did anything that impared his functionality, he dealt with them swiftly and deftly and he didn’t care if today that meant standing up to Megatron himself.

He heard Megatron stomp into his lab, followed by Starscream. “You’re the one who told me to strike from the south,” Starscream was saying. Shockwave didn’t have and didn’t need context. “Where have your grand strategies landed us now, great leader?”

“You’re the one who failed to secure the energon,” Megatron snarled back, halting mid-step to turn on his second-in-command. “It’s not my fault if you’re too incompetent to follow my instructions.”

“What are you doing?” Shockwave asked.

“Discussing another disastrous sortie,” Starscream drawled, gesturing to Megatron with a flourish. “Thanks to his magnificent military expertise.”

Megatron’s fists clenched, signalling that he was nearing the end of his preciously short patience. Oh, why was Starscream like this?

“I meant what are you doing here, arguing like a couple of protoforms in my presence,” Shockwave said.

“A _couple_ of protoforms?” Megatron’s tone was surprised, but icy.

“You blame one another for the failure,” Shockwave said. “You are both terribly short-sighted.”

Starscream folded his arms and pouted, but Megatron hadn’t been expecting this. He was so stunned he stood frozen with an expression of perplexed anger.

“The Autobots defeated us,” Shockwave elaborated. “Unless one of you intentionally threw the battle, we did not defeat ourselves. The tactics or the execution may have been imperfect. Perhaps it was both. Perhaps it was neither, and the Autobots were lucky. Megatron, are you actually sure that Starscream failed due to incompetence?”

“Well...I wasn’t there, but...he always does.”

Shockwave shook his head, and turned to Starscream. “Was the plan flawed? If so, why did you not bring it up before the sortie? Is it possible you were blaming the plan to cover for yourself?”

“Of course I was! I always do that!”

“So you agreed that you needed to attack from the south,” Megatron said, looking at him.

“There was nothing else to do,” Starscream replied. “Nothing better, anyway. I couldn’t have—hey, what just happened?”

“I defused your argument,” Shockwave said coolly. “When you approach a situation with a level head and logical thinking, these kinds of displays become scarce.”

“...Yes, well,” Megatron started, “that’s not what I’m here for…”

“I know.” Shockwave turned to a console and brought up the results his leader wanted. The latest weapons development project was progressing slowly but smoothly. Megatron and Starscream left after, subdued, the both of them coming out of a confrontation unharmed for the first time in...well, Shockwave’s entire memory. Knowing he was the cause of this atypical result made him feel proud—and curious.

* * *

He started paying attention when they fought, and intervening as much as he could. Neither of them could resist his logic; Starscream would start out arrogant and stubborn, before sputtering into silence and invariably admitting he was right, while Megatron usually just needed a distraction for his anger, or occasionally, scolding.

At one point he questioned why nobody else had done this, then realized no other bot had the courage—or the proper personality.  For example, Soundwave was brave, but would never consider Megatron to be wrong about something, and he disliked Starscream. Shockwave didn’t like or dislike anyone, and he was neither loyal nor traitorous. He was blunt and unafraid, but most importantly he was indisposable; if Megatron was irritated by what Shockwave was doing, he could do little about it.

Over time Shockwave found himself anticipating their fights, even looking forward to them—not because he wanted the two to fight or hurt each other, but so he could stop them. He never thought it would happen, but he enjoyed their company, and they benefitted from having him.

After a few weeks, he thought they enjoyed it too. They started seeking him out during arguments if he wasn’t present, and after some time of that, they came to him _before_ arguments. The three of them would _schedule_ their meetings, even, like the weirdest date nights in history. Yet it was a good way of describing their arrangement and the way Shockwave felt about it; he couldn’t see into their minds, but he thought they would agree.

He accomodated this new function he’d unintentionally acquired, and honored the commitments and feelings around it, but to himself wondered if all three of them were mad. He didn’t say it out loud for fear of jinxing it; he liked the new quiet, and everyone was doing better now that those two had a mediator. If it was “weird,” so be it. Plenty of things were weird.

* * *

If the two of them got into an argument before their scheduled “let me help you fix what’s wrong with your relationship before you strangle each other” sessions, it was usually Starscream who made the decision to break away and look for Shockwave. Depending on the hour, he’d end up at either the lab or his hab suite, knocking incessantly until the mechanical door slid open.

Today, it was his hab suite, too early for even Shockwave to be at work yet—but late enough for him to be awake. When he unlocked the door and it opened, he noticed Starscream looking a little annoyed, with Megatron lingering behind him, but neither seemed angry. It must have been a minor quibble today.

Shockwave admitted them into his hab suite, which was small by any bot’s standards but big enough to fit the trio. That said, Shockwave had to get back onto his berth so Megatron and Starscream could pull out the folding chairs.

After a brief explanation of the day’s problem, Shockwave sat thinking for a moment, studying them both. “You say he sneers at you,” he said flatly.

Megatron nodded.

“I admit this,” Starscream said.

“Why do you sneer at him so much? What is your reason for this?”

“It’s just a facial expression! It doesn’t mean anything! There shouldn’t have to be a reason!”

Megatron’s expression darkened, while Starscream shrank away. The seeker got shrill and defensive when he was frightened.

“You are being dishonest,” Shockwave said.

Starscream flinched. “He...he annoys me sometimes.”

“And that is how you express your annoyance to him.”

“Yeah.”

“ _You_ find _me_ annoying,” Megatron said. “Really.”

“You aren’t always the easiest to deal with, my liege,” Shockwave replied coolly.

“Neither is he.”

“I know. It is, however, more efficient to directly discuss problems.”

“As if I could do that!” Starscream blurted. “He’d just…well, you know!”

“I do.” Shockwave looked at both of them. “That’s why I’m here. To keep the peace.” He gestured to the seeker. “So go ahead. Explain in words what Lord Megatron did to irritate you today.”

“Then you can tell him how foolish he’s being.”

“Then we can discuss how you both might deal with your irritation more productively.” With that, Shockwave settled down and watched the proceeding conversation. This was the part where he became quiet, his presence enough to keep them in line. When they managed to reach a resolution without trying to kill each other and looked at him with that subtle, unspoken gratitude (because since when would Decepticons be openly grateful to each other?) he felt a swell of pride, and satisfaction.

It was an odd arrangement, with a bizarre level of commitment and attention that was almost...romantic, as odd as that sounded, but it worked. More study into this strange, new phenomenon was certainly required. The best discoveries always were accidents.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't have anything against MegaStar either so don't take my other note or this fic in general as that. i just love weird ideas.


End file.
